Jezebel portended this doom for us last week and now the awful is real: Adam Levine has been named People’s Sexiest Man Alive. This is likely only true if all other men are dead, and we checked in the Wonkette chatcave and Dok and DDM and Alex Ruthrauff seem to still be walking the earth, so screw you, People magazine. There is just no way that this guy
…is the sexiest man alive. He’s got an eagle tattoo straight out of the “fuck it, I’m drunk, why not” school of body art. He’s got Don Johnson stubble, which should not have ever made a comeback. He sullied the good name of Mick Jagger for this atrocity:
Dude, you do not move like Jagger. You move like one of your teen contestants on The Voice.
Jezebel has a list of famous men who are actually sexier than Adam Levine, including Idris Elba. To be fair, we would pretty much strangle each of you with our bare hands for Idris Elba.
Wait, where were we? Things we find sexier than Adam Levine. Besides Idris Elba. Truth is, pretty much anything.
Think about it. It’s warm, comforting, meaty, tasty. Adam Levine is none of these things. He’s lizardlike and stringy and you know that guy’s got funky spunk.
Because you can wash that shit off. You can never wash off Adam Levine. The muck will stay with you forever.
Because there are antibiotics for syphilis, but not for Adam Levine.
At least you can hide those under your bed. Adam Levine does not fit under your bed. Also, it is probably illegal for you to chop Adam Levine up and feed him to a fire, but that is totes OK with a clown doll.
To sum up: all men, and most things, are likely sexier than Adam Levine.