The Taming Of The Slut: A One Act Play Inspired By Today’s SCOTUS Decision

  Today In Coat Hangers

all women, basically

The curtain opens on a  generic office setting. THE BOSS sits behind a desk, feet up, hands folded behind head. His employee, LADY WORKER, enters, looking nervous. 

LADY WORKER: You wanted to see me?

THE BOSS: Yes, yes. Do sit down, child. Wait, you do not have your period, do you?

LADY WORKER: Excuse me?

THE BOSS: It is just that I do not want you in here spontaneously aborting pre-baby eggs or perhaps bleeding on anything. I don’t like abortions, or sharks. The sharks, they come for the blood.

LADY WORKER: What?

THE BOSS: I see that you do not understand me, for you are but a simple and adorable woman-creature. Come in and sit down.

Lady worker sits down.

THE BOSS: I am not going to pay for your birth control anymore.

LADY WORKER: But why not? Are you instead going to pay me higher than minimum wage, or perhaps provide child care to assist me in caring for the children I have already?

THE BOSS: No, of course not. I shall merely refuse to pay for your birth control in any way, shape, or form, because of today’s SCOTUS decision, and also because of magic.

LADY WORKER: Because of…magic?

THE BOSS: You see, I believe in a magic Man who lives in the sky and watches everything that we do. This Man never actually appears on earth because it is not fairy-tale times, when such things were possible and actually definitely happened. But He lives in the sky all the same, and He is watching what you do and what I do and what we all do, and He hates sexual relations for any purpose other than procreation. He allows the rape and murder of children each and every day, because that is His will, but what He really cares about is whether you and your husband enjoy sexual pleasure in the context of your monogamous relationship. He does not want you to experience this “orgasm” thing about which I have heard rumors, unless it is in pursuit of having another baby.

LADY WORKER: So you want me to get an abortion if I get pregnant?

THE BOSS: Heavens, no! The Man in the sky would hate this. It is a sin worse than all the rape and murder of children that He allows every day, or the starving of women and children, or the genocide, or the wars, or the natural disasters. No, instead I would like for you to have sexual relations only for the purpose of having a baby. Then you must have the baby!

LADY WORKER: And if I have the baby, will you give me a raise in order to help me pay for the baby?

THE BOSS: Hahaha, you are so quaint and sweet, like a lamb, the lamb that symbolizes the Man in the sky, which is why we eat the lamb every spring on the day of eggs and regeneration and jelly beans. In fact I will not give you a raise in order to help you pay for the baby. In fact I will not assist you in finding childcare to take care of the baby so that you can come to work. In fact if you miss work as a result of having to care for the baby, I might in fact fire you, and unless you can get the money together to pay for a lawyer on the minimum wage I pay you, nothing will happen to correct my decision or to assist you in finding future work or the such or the like.

LADY WORKER: So…basically I can’t have sex at all, ever.

THE BOSS: Ah, but your only inherent worth comes from being the carrier of the species! So you must have sex, whether or not you want to do so, as long as you do not do it for fun.

LADY WORKER: But I don’t want another baby! I can barely afford to pay for the kids I have.

THE BOSS: Do not worry, the Man will provide.

LADY WORKER: What man? My husband? His job is minimum wage, too.

THE BOSS: No, no, the invisible Man in the sky.

LADY WORKER: If I don’t have a baby, I’m useless. If I do have a baby, I won’t get any help. If I have an abortion, I’m evil. If I take birth control, I’m evil. These are all things you believe. Is that correct?

THE BOSS: Yes! Now you understand.

LADY WORKER: Great.

LADY WORKER pulls out a gun and shoots herself in the head. The Boss pulls out his dick and begins to masturbate. This is basically exactly how the Supreme Court works now. 

FIN.

Thank you to @Jayne_Tweets for the marvelous title of this stirring one-act extravaganza.

 

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About the author

I'm an author and a comedian and an editor-in-chief not unlike Perry White or Larry Flynt. I'm from Jersey originally but have made stops in Boston, NYC, the great American Southwest, Asheville, the Netherlands, and Los Angeles.

View all articles by Sara Benincasa
  • Shypixel

    “The Boss pulls out his dick and begins to masturbate.”

    I’m calling bullshit. His dick was out the whole time…

  • BeliTsari

    Kneel… my daughter.

  • Larry

    Forgot to mention the boss has invested in the drug companies that produce the drugs god doesn’t want people to use.

    • FauxAntocles

      And buys most of their shit from China where forced abortions are practically state policy

  • Scott Earley

    @sarabenincasa:disqus You paint quite a picture, but you’ve pretty much summed it up. I smell a Tony!!!

  • Laura Betchley

    nice :D

  • Force Crater

    The War on Humanity is on! From now on I will never accept another Democrat who does NOT put the destruction of corporate personhood as their first priority. This should be our litmus test from now on. Fascism in America must end. This land is our land. We should never compromise on this.

  • RevZafod

    Happier ending:
    LADY WORKER pulls out a gun and shoots Boss in the head. She wipes it clean and places it in his hand, and goes back to work as if nothing happened.

  • Independently Yours

    Well done.

  • M H

    Did you just finish reading JK Oates’s “The Accursed” as well? This is like a sketch Woodrow Wilson would have composed.

  • dc

    brilliant. just brilliant.

  • dc

    fucking christians.

  • Larry

    The cross pollination between business and government has taken on the scariest pollen now, the church. I’m not looking forward to the nasty unstoppable weeds they’re going to produce.

    • Force Crater

      Is it time for each one of us to incorporate as a privately held corporation? That may be the only way to protect our rights. Women can then sue their employer for infringing on their corporation’s right to religious freedom. Is there an enterprising lawyer out there inclined to do this?

    • Draco

      Astute. Brilliant comment. The Troika of control.

  • http://www.thegopwaronwomen.com Helen Wheels

    Awesomeness x 1000

  • Draco

    Standing ovation!! {clap, clap, clap…} :-)