Bing Beats Google! (In All-Important ‘Historic Women of 2013′ Making Us Cry Contest)

  Gender of the Year!

If you search for a picture of "bing" on Bing, nothing much happens to the universe

Google had a winner with “Zeitgeist 2012,” a bunch of cool stuff we searched for that year. It used Felix Baumgartner’s video selfie jumping out of a space balloon like a maniac — a good thing for Google, because otherwise it would be remembered for featuring “Blade Runner” Oscar Pistorius, later charged with killing his girlfriend.

I somehow avoided seeing this year’s Google Zeitgeist until New Year’s Eve, when it ran as a commercial during the “Carson Daly and Hired Friends Have A Drunk, Awkward Conversation 2013 Show,” and guess what!

Zeitgeist 2013 sucked!

For one thing, it’s premised on lies. No, Google, I did not in fact search for “new beginnings” in 2013. Statistically speaking, nobody did! You are just saying that because you want to glue together some smartphone video of the Royal Baby, gay marriage, and Pope Francis.

I was willing to give it a chance until the following voice-over, accompanied by some Discovery Channel circa 2003 computer animation of a satellite: “We are now in a position to look at the other worlds of our solar system.” … THIS was the coolest thing anyone said about space in 2013? Newsflash, Google: Galileo goddamned Galilei was “in a position to look at other worlds in our solar system” like 400 years ago! The man discerned Jupiter’s moons through a self-constructed telescope! Google it!

Then came the usual clot of People Who Lived, People Who Died, sports crap, Harlem Shakes, “What Does the Fox Say?” (muted, thank GOD), and 3D printed dancing robots. Somehow, even these were not especially cool. See for yourself:

Extra credit for featuring the Syrian “independence flag,” but still, C-minus.

Bing, on the other hand, made us cry:

Gabby Giffords! Antoinette Tuff! Janet Yellen! Malala Yousafazi (she was in the Google one, too, but !) Edith Muthafukkin Windsor! Margaret Thatcher… sure, whatever. Angela Merkel… ok? But the important thing here is all the rest of them who are not those two! So much welled-up pride threatening to leak out of our eyes!

We are not even going to be like “No Wendy Davis WTF!” except for this one time.

Now, Google could have made this one a lot closer if they’d had the nads to feature Edward Snowden, but of course they didn’t.

People, for the sake of Google’s Zeitgeist 2014, please do a lot more inspiring, viral things. If your thing is going to cost a lot of money and may kill you, see if Red Bull wants to help out.

Here’s some inspiration for you: “rocket hat.” Aaaand… GO!

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  • TheLifeSilica

    Much, much better than the Google one. Google’s smarmfest made my wife tear up something fierce, and she accused me of being heartless. I’m not heartless! That commercial was simply more calculated than a moon landing.

  • reach4thelasers

    I think Voyager 1 exiting our solar system…. the first man-made object EVER to exit our solar system truly was the biggest thing to happen in Science & Technology in 2013. In effect, man’s reach for the first time extended beyond our star system. Man hasn’t hit a frontier in space that great since Neil Armstrong set foot on the moon. And I think Google hit the nail on the head.

  • Farb

    My neighbor did what I consider the most courageous, yet foolhardy, act of 2013. He organized the Netflix streaming videos by rating and watched the absolutely lowest rated movies back to back for the entire last week of the year. To do this he abandoned his second, third, and, apparently, fourth life characters, stocked up on cola and various fried salty things in bags, and arranged to have all his relatives on a Carnival Cruise, swimming for their lives. After the ball dropped and people blew their noise makers, his cousin and I kicked in his back door in a valiant rescue attempt, but he was, sadly gone. His mere rusk is back at work, but the alien that had lived inside him for several years has fled, and he’s become banal. Mundane. Boring. Where, oh, where is that little Erglitz Matsevensho.2# that we came to know and love? Fled, leaving behind Emmanuel Hamish Blitzenreiter, the pimply nerd from nest door. Shame, really. Neighborhood is going to hell.