So we were playing for Team Who Cares about the children snorting Smarties epidemic, because we figure why not start kids early on crushing up tablets and snorting them so they can grow up and be Elizabeth Wurtzel. But — snorting candy is really bad for you. As in nose maggot bad.
Apparently kids are crushing up Smarties (yes, those sugary candies) and snorting and/or smoking the powder. [...]
Not only can the shards of the Smarties cut up the inside of your nose like razor blades if they haven’t been broken up enough, but the sugary leftovers of this powder can lead to maggots getting all up in your nasal cavity.
We have typed a lot of weird shit in our day, and spent a solid year offering people bowls and bags of salted dicks, but there is probably nothing more strange and repulsive we’ve ever had to think about than nose maggots. And yes, there really are YouTube videos of kids snorting the things, but we do not need to shame the tweens of America any further by putting them up here. Go and look them up your own damn self.
You will not be surprised to learn that a school district sent a rather stilted-sounding letter to parents that explains how you snort things and of course lets them know that Smarties are just a gateway drug.
To smoke Smarties, students crush the candies into a fine powder while it is still in its wrapper, tear off an end, pour the powder into their mouths and blow out the smoke. Some are able to put the powder into their mouths and blow it out their noses. Thus, they imitate a smoker’s exhale. To snort Smarties, students use a straw or a rolled up piece of paper to snort the fine, crushed candy powder up into their nasal cavities. Students are also using the candy Pixie Stix in the same manner.
The “benefit” for students engaging in this practice is unknown. However, the risks, associated with inhaling Smarties smoke or snorting Smarties, are many and include: [...]
Precursor to future cigarette smoking and drug use – although there is no addictive piece to Smarties, the concern is this behavior will lead to cigarette smoking or snorting of drugs.
(Weird extra commas in the original, of course, because the Editrix would not put up with us just sprinkling commas everywhere like that.)
Listen, kids. If you’re going to go to the trouble to snort something, consider terrifying your parents by putting actual drugs up your nose rather than just getting all the unpleasant nosebleed side effects of snorting without an actual high. This has been a helpful Happy message to the youth.