HBO Can Have Our Skinemax When They Pry It Out Of Our Rosy, Hairy Palms

  They Just Can't Yank It Like That!

HBO is yanking the plug on that friend to business travelers everywhere, the last bastion of soft-focus no-cock-showing fucking, our beloved Skinemax.

While HBO said its volume of softcore films for wee-hours Cinemax remains the same, it has quietly moved over the past two years to tamp down the channel’s notoriety as “Skinemax,” even at the risk of losing some of its loyal viewers.

Yes, there’s still flesh on display in original Cinemax series like “Strike Back” and “Banshee,” and you can still see skin-bearing series such as “The Girl’s Guide to Depravity,” but executives think a focus on higher quality and action will give the network a new calling card.

Softcore porn doesn’t NEED a new calling card, you jerk babies. What we want from our Cinemax viewing is lazy stimulation. Muscular abs here, obligatory black bra there. Put that shit on an island in one of those canopy beds and we are ON IT.

Susan_Featherly_Alicia_Moorland_-_Passion_Cove-Blind_Date_02_-_Video_Dailymotion

How will we continue to watch this channel if we can’t see our beloved “Emmanuelle In Space?” [Vid is pretty much NSFW because though there's no actual nudity, you'd feel ridiculous getting caught watching this.]

Sometimes, you don’t want to have to fire up the whole internet machine and go through all that endless searching and fighting off aggressive pop-ups just to get your fap on. You want to lay in front of the teevee aimlessly, flipping through channels until you catch a flash of bare skin. Then you want to sit through that whole movie even though it is 1:30 in the morning and you should really go to bed. You want to halfheartedly get off while you finish your last drink. You don’t want new original program gritty serial drama bullshit that you’ll actually have to pay attention to. Since time immemorial, Skinemax has meant that you can wander in at any part of the story and you will not be missing anything, and you will not have to wait very long for boobies or soft jazz. Also, too, fuzzy handcuffs, blindfolds, bikinis…you get the picture.

Kickstarter to save Cinemax. White house petition to save Cinemax! No half-hearted internet support is too great. Do what you can to save Skinemax without having to move from your fap couch. Lackadaisical masturbators of the world, unite and take over.

[Variety]

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  • ranchandsyrup

    Won’t someone please think of the knuckle children?

  • Zippy

    I guess we’ll all be reduced to fapping to Miley Cyrus twerking- gonna be a long, cold winter

  • Buddha Stalin

    Lackadaisical masturbators are usually busy with other things.