Happy Drinking: Where Diabetes And Less-Than-Fine Wines Collide

  We Fancy

allure

Have you been looking for a wine that has a “scrumptious flavor, bursting with ripeness” that captures the taste of summer in a glass? Do you want to combine the rush of mainlining pixie stix with the taste of ethanol and regret? Well, look no further than Allure’s Bubbly Peach. Bubbly Peach what? Umm, they leave that open for interpretation, but if you read the fine print, it promises to be grape wine with natural peach flavoring.

It is unconscionable that Bubbly Peach has been overlooked by the fine wine connoisseurs of our day. Bubbly Peach is an award winning wine, receiving a gold medal in the prestigious Sparkling Fruit with less than 2.5% Residual Sugar category. But, who else was nominated for this fine award? We have no idea. Ten minutes of googling didn’t reveal the answer, so the Happiest among us has decided we need a new wine class:  Non Vintage Wines, Wine-like Products and Malt Beverages Pretending to be Wines that taste remarkably like Hi-C.

The other nominees:

1. Arbor Mist Strawberry White Zinfandel Wine Product.

arbormist

This delicious wine product is an acquired taste. For most of us, upon graduating from short pants and time-outs, the taste-buds that find this flavor combination enticing somehow disappear, so novices should sip slowly until they become accustomed to the explosion of sugary awesomeness that accompanies every sip.

2. Bartles & Jaymes Exotic Berry Flavored Malt Cooler.

This is a truly outstanding nominee. With a berry taste evocative of Capri-Sun, Bartles & Jaymes has the added benefit of coming in a 3.2% version, allowing you to appear to be drinking like an adult, but essentially consuming spoiled juice. It doesn’t hurt that B&J’s (yes, that really is their new moniker) have some of the most iconic wine cooler commercials around.

3. Seagram’s Escapes Calypso Colada

Associated mostly with underage drinking in the 1980s, the brand has really taken the wine cooler world by storm with its almost endless variety of intoxicating flavors. But not that intoxicating because Escapes are all 3.2%. The Calypso Colada specifically got the nod due to its fantastical shade of blue, never found in nature, and its ability to semi-permanently stain your lips, making it appear that you’ve been orally intimate with an icy-pop.

None of these compare to Allure’s Bubbly Peach, which is hands down the winner of the category, Non Vintage Wines, Wine Products and Malt Beverages Pretending to be Wines that taste remarkably like Hi-C.  Why? It can get you fucked up drunk. It’s 10% alcohol by volume, far more than all the other contenders. But it hasn’t sacrificed any of the sugary insanity of its fellow competitors. In fact, it’s possible that Allure just dissolved as much sugar into the product as it could before the mixture became too viscous to be called wine. Finally, Peach Bubbly is bubbly. Hell yeah. Usually, we connoisseurs of wine and wine-like products that taste like Hi-C have to adulterate our wine with ginger-ale to give it the pop and fizz we crave in a soda-cum-wine product.

Ah, yes, Allure’s Bubbly Peach does in fact live up to its expectations. None of the other members of my party would drink this deliciously sweet concoction, leaving me the opportunity to sample it extensively. The result? As expected, a headache that started before the party was even over and a moment of sheer panic when I realized it was possible that standing up may have resulted in blacking out, possibly because of the dramatic roller coaster ride taken by my blood sugar, rather than the alcohol. Either way, we here at Happy Nice Time People do not recommend that you drink 3/4 of a bottle of this stuff in a pint glass full of ice. Unless, of course, your predisposition towards diabetes is not expressing itself as quickly as you’d hoped — then Allure’s Bubbly Peach is the obvious solution. Congratulations Allure – we hope you accept this prestigious award in the spirit it was intended.

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  • The_Kenosha_Kid

    Where does Manischewitz Concord Grape stand in the Non Vintage Wines, Wine Products and Malt Beverages Pretending to be Wines that taste remarkably like Hi-C hierarchy? Just asking because God told me to have 3 or 4 glasses last night.

    • Mahousu

      God just wanted you to have a little taste of the suffering the Israelites experienced in Egypt. Whipped, forced to make bricks without straw, and given only crappy sweet wine to drink.

      • glasspusher

        Clay and straw- mankind’s first synthetic composite.

    • Barry Barancik

      Actually, Mogen David, the Manischevitz competitor in the sickly sweet Kosher wines category, is also the maker of the fortified wine, MD 20/20 (or, Mad Dog, as they call it in the gutter).

  • Barry Schwartz

    What happens if you distill these products? Do you get brandy, or do you get something to put in your steam iron?

    • Mahousu

      You get a ruined still. Seriously, the sugar in these things would scorch and/or make a tarry mess.

      • glasspusher

        Science you can use. I suppose if you had a big enough flask and didn’t boil it too vigorously, the sugar wouldn’t make it up to the fractionating column or condenser.

        I had a bitchin’ still in college. 1 meter fractionating column packed with glass rings.

        • James Donnaught

          The chemistry department never missed it?

          • glasspusher

            Hah! We bought it directly from LabGlass- Vineland, NJ. IIRC it was less than fifty bucks.

    • Floyd Blandston

      You could do a secondary fermentation with a champagne yeast and get a 12-14% alcohol product, *or* you can make a gallon of it homemade in a plastic milk jug for about $1.50- including the balloon! I call it ‘Glug’ in honor of Early Cuyler…

  • Floyd Blandston

    These products are just teenage date-rape in a bottle; each 4-pack oughta’ come with a complimentary condom…

    • Zippy

      The Bristol Bordeaux

  • edgydrifter

    The primary merits of California Cooler, back in the day, were:
    1. It flouresced brilliantly under a black light, making it visually delightful to drink and regurgitate.
    2. It came in easily-compressible two liter bottles, handy for pressure-assisted shotgunning.
    3. Once empty, you could transform the two liter bottle into a nifty gravity bong.

  • Nixon, etc.

    Dese make my teef hurt.