Have you been looking for a wine that has a “scrumptious flavor, bursting with ripeness” that captures the taste of summer in a glass? Do you want to combine the rush of mainlining pixie stix with the taste of ethanol and regret? Well, look no further than Allure’s Bubbly Peach. Bubbly Peach what? Umm, they leave that open for interpretation, but if you read the fine print, it promises to be grape wine with natural peach flavoring.
It is unconscionable that Bubbly Peach has been overlooked by the fine wine connoisseurs of our day. Bubbly Peach is an award winning wine, receiving a gold medal in the prestigious Sparkling Fruit with less than 2.5% Residual Sugar category. But, who else was nominated for this fine award? We have no idea. Ten minutes of googling didn’t reveal the answer, so the Happiest among us has decided we need a new wine class: Non Vintage Wines, Wine-like Products and Malt Beverages Pretending to be Wines that taste remarkably like Hi-C.
The other nominees:
1. Arbor Mist Strawberry White Zinfandel Wine Product.
This delicious wine product is an acquired taste. For most of us, upon graduating from short pants and time-outs, the taste-buds that find this flavor combination enticing somehow disappear, so novices should sip slowly until they become accustomed to the explosion of sugary awesomeness that accompanies every sip.
2. Bartles & Jaymes Exotic Berry Flavored Malt Cooler.
This is a truly outstanding nominee. With a berry taste evocative of Capri-Sun, Bartles & Jaymes has the added benefit of coming in a 3.2% version, allowing you to appear to be drinking like an adult, but essentially consuming spoiled juice. It doesn’t hurt that B&J’s (yes, that really is their new moniker) have some of the most iconic wine cooler commercials around.
3. Seagram’s Escapes Calypso Colada
Associated mostly with underage drinking in the 1980s, the brand has really taken the wine cooler world by storm with its almost endless variety of intoxicating flavors. But not that intoxicating because Escapes are all 3.2%. The Calypso Colada specifically got the nod due to its fantastical shade of blue, never found in nature, and its ability to semi-permanently stain your lips, making it appear that you’ve been orally intimate with an icy-pop.
None of these compare to Allure’s Bubbly Peach, which is hands down the winner of the category, Non Vintage Wines, Wine Products and Malt Beverages Pretending to be Wines that taste remarkably like Hi-C. Why? It can get you fucked up drunk. It’s 10% alcohol by volume, far more than all the other contenders. But it hasn’t sacrificed any of the sugary insanity of its fellow competitors. In fact, it’s possible that Allure just dissolved as much sugar into the product as it could before the mixture became too viscous to be called wine. Finally, Peach Bubbly is bubbly. Hell yeah. Usually, we connoisseurs of wine and wine-like products that taste like Hi-C have to adulterate our wine with ginger-ale to give it the pop and fizz we crave in a soda-cum-wine product.
Ah, yes, Allure’s Bubbly Peach does in fact live up to its expectations. None of the other members of my party would drink this deliciously sweet concoction, leaving me the opportunity to sample it extensively. The result? As expected, a headache that started before the party was even over and a moment of sheer panic when I realized it was possible that standing up may have resulted in blacking out, possibly because of the dramatic roller coaster ride taken by my blood sugar, rather than the alcohol. Either way, we here at Happy Nice Time People do not recommend that you drink 3/4 of a bottle of this stuff in a pint glass full of ice. Unless, of course, your predisposition towards diabetes is not expressing itself as quickly as you’d hoped — then Allure’s Bubbly Peach is the obvious solution. Congratulations Allure – we hope you accept this prestigious award in the spirit it was intended.