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Advice From The Dumblorn

CHRISSY FROM ‘THREE’S COMPANY’ SHOULD NOT BE YOUR SOURCE OF INFORMATION ABOUT OBAMACARE, PEOPLE – UPDATED!!

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The good folks of the Wall Street Journal know that we are all wandering in the Obamacare wilderness, hoping to find someone that can show us the way. A health care expert that brings specialized insight that we don’t have so that we know whether to hate Obamacare or really really hate Obamacare. Tough choices! Unfortunately, they couldn’t rustle up Dr. Oz or any other teevee doctor to scaresplain to us, so they went with noted health care expert Chrissy from Three’s Company.

As a writer of 24 books mostly on health and wellness and by using my celebrity to get to the best and brightest doctors, scientists and medical professionals in the alternative and integrative health-care world, I have come to the following conclusions:

First of all, let’s call affordable health care what it really is: It’s socialized medicine.

Yes, you lazy bastards who are whining about how you don’t want to DIIIIEEEEE and need MEEEDDDDIICCINNNEE. Why don’t you just use your celebrity to get to the best and brightest doctors? What’s that? You weren’t the chick with bouncy tits in a 1970s sitcom? Sorry! No healthcare for you! Instead of chemotherapy, why not soothe yourself with the dulcet tones of how Chrissy from Three’s Company learned to use the Google.

And then there is another consideration: It’s the dark underbelly of the Affordable Care Act reminiscent of what Lenin and Churchill both said. Lenin: “Socialized medicine is the keystone to the arch of the socialist state.” Churchill: “Control your citizens’ health care and you control your citizens.”

Chilling!

Look, we’re not hating on Chrissy from Three’s Company for hate’s sake. There are any number of things we will defer to her judgment on. If we want to write laughably bad poetry

…we will for sure get at Chrissy from Three’s Company. If we want to hear about how the olds still like to get it on, we will for sure call up Chrissy from Three’s Company. If we need to learn how to master our thighs and shape our chest

…we will ring up Chrissy from Three’s Company. If we want to fap to a vision of unattainable hot cars like a 56 T-Bird

…Chrissy from Three’s Company is the very first one we will reach out to. But as far as health care decisions go, we’ll defer to…hmmmm. Who should we listen to about health care? Maybe Gilbert Gottfried. His voice is so soothing.

James Earl Jones? His voice is soothing for real, but what if he’s a dick? Ghost Jack Tripper?

jacktripper

He’s dead, so he couldn’t lie to us, at least. Jed Bartlett?

jed-bartlet-relaxed

We’d probably agree with him but he is just SO SMUG. You know what? Fuck it. We’ll listen to perfect specimen of humanity Ronan Farrow

ronan-farrow-blue

… because of how he is perfect and because of how it will make Michael Wolff cry. Even if he said nothing at all, he would probably sound better than Chrissy from Three’s Company, who is just making shit up:

Unsurprisingly, Lenin never said that line ["quoted' by Somers] — it’s a decades-old right-wing fabrication. The more curious line is the Churchill quote. It’s almost certainly fake, too; it does not appear in the LexisNexis database or in Google. Unless Somers has done original archival work on Churchill, she seems to have fabricated that quote on her own, or possibly received it via chain e-mail.

But the more interesting question is what does Somers think it means? Does she believe Churchill was warning the world of the dangers of a national health-care system? If so, that’s weird, because he strongly favored such a system

See? Chrissy from Three’s Company will look you straight in the eye and lie, lie, lie. Don’t be fooled by her expertise in old person sex or poetry or toned thighs. She is not a doctor and did not play one on teevee and you should not listen to her.

UPDATE: Because if you DO listen to Chrissy from Three’s Company and are dumb enough to let her publish her Churchill fanfic on your website, you have to walk that shit back HARD after everyone on the internet makes fun of her:

An earlier version of this post contained a quotation attributed to Lenin (“Socialized medicine is the keystone to the arch of the socialist state”) that has been widely disputed. And it included a quotation attributed to Churchill (“Control your citizens’ health care and you control your citizens“) that the Journal has been unable to confirm.

Also, the cover of a Maclean’s magazine issue in 2008 showed a picture of a dog on an examining table with the headline “Your Dog Can Get Better Health Care Than You.” An earlier version of this post incorrectly said the photo showed and headline referred to a horse.

Why the hell didn’t we screenshot the original? Someone must have screenshotted? screenshat? the original, right? Help us out here, people. Also, too, we’re not sure if it is delightful or terrifying to learn that the Wall Street Journal doesn’t even run its celebutante writer columns through the Google before turning them loose on the internet. Either way, seems like if we want to cut over to mainstream conservojournaling, it won’t be that hard a gig, since we can just literally make it up as we go along.

[WSJ/New York]

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  • SMFH-Itsnotsocialism

    Ah, the depth and profundity of Ms Somers, who is unable to even rise to the depths of a Rod McKuen.

    • forestlady

      Or whoever that guy was who wrote Jonathan Living Seagull, also, too.

      • Doug Black

        Richard Bach (why do I remember that?).

  • Guppy06

    to get to the best and brightest doctors, scientists and medical
    professionals in the alternative and integrative health-care world

    It’s OK Snipy: she wasn’t getting any chemo either.

  • Zippy

    Suzanne is obviously a true visionary. How else do you explain her shilling those thighmasters? It’s the perfect exercise to help you keep that aspirin between your knees. No need for that awful Obamacare and its free birth control.

  • The_Kenosha_Kid

    CORRECTIONS AND AMPLIFICATIONS:

    An earlier version of this post contained a quotation attributed to
    Lenin (“Socialized medicine is the keystone to the arch of the socialist
    state”) that has been widely disputed. And it included a quotation
    attributed to Churchill (“Control your citizens’ health care and you
    control your citizens“) that the Journal has been unable to confirm.

    Also, the cover of a Maclean’s magazine issue in 2008 showed a
    picture of a dog on an examining table with the headline “Your Dog Can
    Get Better Health Care Than You.” An earlier version of this post
    incorrectly said the photo showed and headline referred to a horse.

    HAHAHAHA!

  • edith prickly

    You forgot “If you want terrible advice on cancer treatment, ask Chrissy.from Three’s Company!” She had surgery, but pretends that crazy diets and taking supplements cured her instead.

  • Vecciojohn

    I’m reserving judgment until Mr. Furley weighs in.

  • glennisw

    What? has she been hanging out at the West Hollywood Trader Joe’s with Victoria Jackson?

  • Lonnie Thomas

    I don’t usually pay much attention to cars. But I have to admit that the ’56 TBird, in that color, makes me drool. Suzy Creamcheese there – not so much.

  • Farb

    I’m not a doctor, but as a boychik I play one with the local girlkins, and I can tell you without a doubt that Churchill said, “Death panels!: and Lenin said, “Kenyan Islami!” So, there you go. Death panels and Kenyan Islami, right from the lips of historical figures. (Don’t even ask me about Jefferson! He said a lot of stuff!) Now, you might think this was enough, but it didn’t satisfy me. Not by a medium chalk! I checked with the real authority, Eddie Haskell. We checked the L it to B archives, and, sure enough, there he was: Eddie Haskell. So there you have it. Death panels. Kenyah Islami. Churchill. Lenin. Eddie Haskell.

    • Ron

      Didn’t Jefferson say, “Harry Ried is an asshole?”

  • Pongo

    More evidence of the Murdoch-ing of the WSJ. In a demonstration of their desire to fast track themselves into irrelevancy, they actually had her nugget of wisdom in an ‘experts’ section. Yeah. So apparently the ability to write 24 psychobabble books about your personal medical research via Google is now enough to qualify you as an expert for the WSJ.

  • Estproph

    See, I knew I recognized this. This is the one where Larry the upstairs neighbor overhears Chrissie and thinks she’s talking about how the ACA won’t cover the pregnancy she’s trying to hide from everyone.

  • AnOuthouse

    She has good side boob.

  • runfastandwin

    Here’s something Churchill actually said: The work of the world is done by people who don’t feel well.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    I’ve always preferred Janet.

  • trigley@roadrunner.com

    Winston Churchill, in 1944:

    “The discoveries of healing science must be the inheritance of all. That is clear. Disease must be attacked, whether it occurs in the poorest or the richest man or woman simply on the ground that it is the enemy; and it must be attacked just in the same way as the fire brigade will give its full assistance to the humblest cottage as readily as to the most important mansion. Our policy is to create a national health service in order to ensure that everybody in the country, irrespective of means, age, sex, or occupation, shall have equal opportunities to benefit from the best and most up-to-date medical and allied services available.”

  • Serolf Divad

    ” Retirees who are on Medicare will suffer the consequences of 700 billions of Medicare dollars instead being used to cover the skyrocketing cost of Obamacare. ”

    So… Socialized medicine is bad because the ACA (which isn’t socialized medicine, by a long shot) takes money away from Social Security (not really, but hang with me) which actually is Socialized Medicine?

    Makes perfect sense….

  • Angie Williams

    quit wasting your love on dogs!

  • JesBeard

    Amusing that in responding to what Summers wrote, you never really even attempt to respond to the central point she made. If she were clearly wrong, it should be easy to rebut her point and to ridicule THAT, instead of mis-attribution on a couple of quotes and the character she played in a sitcom more than 30 years ago. One might even begin to wonder if that perhaps is because her central point was right, and the only thing left is the Saul Alinsky tactic of personally ridiculing the messenger in the hope no one notices. Unfortunately for you, most of the nation has noticed.

    • jsdc007

      And, yes, it noticed today that the ACA is actually pretty darn good. In fact, 29,000 signed up just this past weekend. As far as “socialized medicine” goes, I’d like to see Suzanne decry Medicare for which she is now undoubtedly eligible before a group of non-botox’d, implanted seniors.

  • Designer_Rants

    How does one apply makeup like so? With a fire hose?

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