The good folks of the Wall Street Journal know that we are all wandering in the Obamacare wilderness, hoping to find someone that can show us the way. A health care expert that brings specialized insight that we don’t have so that we know whether to hate Obamacare or really really hate Obamacare. Tough choices! Unfortunately, they couldn’t rustle up Dr. Oz or any other teevee doctor to scaresplain to us, so they went with noted health care expert Chrissy from Three’s Company.
As a writer of 24 books mostly on health and wellness and by using my celebrity to get to the best and brightest doctors, scientists and medical professionals in the alternative and integrative health-care world, I have come to the following conclusions:
First of all, let’s call affordable health care what it really is: It’s socialized medicine.
Yes, you lazy bastards who are whining about how you don’t want to DIIIIEEEEE and need MEEEDDDDIICCINNNEE. Why don’t you just use your celebrity to get to the best and brightest doctors? What’s that? You weren’t the chick with bouncy tits in a 1970s sitcom? Sorry! No healthcare for you! Instead of chemotherapy, why not soothe yourself with the dulcet tones of how Chrissy from Three’s Company learned to use the Google.
And then there is another consideration: It’s the dark underbelly of the Affordable Care Act reminiscent of what Lenin and Churchill both said. Lenin: “Socialized medicine is the keystone to the arch of the socialist state.” Churchill: “Control your citizens’ health care and you control your citizens.”
Look, we’re not hating on Chrissy from Three’s Company for hate’s sake. There are any number of things we will defer to her judgment on. If we want to write laughably bad poetry
…we will for sure get at Chrissy from Three’s Company. If we want to hear about how the olds still like to get it on, we will for sure call up Chrissy from Three’s Company. If we need to learn how to master our thighs and shape our chest
…we will ring up Chrissy from Three’s Company. If we want to fap to a vision of unattainable hot cars like a 56 T-Bird
…Chrissy from Three’s Company is the very first one we will reach out to. But as far as health care decisions go, we’ll defer to…hmmmm. Who should we listen to about health care? Maybe Gilbert Gottfried. His voice is so soothing.
James Earl Jones? His voice is soothing for real, but what if he’s a dick? Ghost Jack Tripper?
He’s dead, so he couldn’t lie to us, at least. Jed Bartlett?
We’d probably agree with him but he is just SO SMUG. You know what? Fuck it. We’ll listen to perfect specimen of humanity Ronan Farrow
… because of how he is perfect and because of how it will make Michael Wolff cry. Even if he said nothing at all, he would probably sound better than Chrissy from Three’s Company, who is just making shit up:
Unsurprisingly, Lenin never said that line [“quoted’ by Somers] — it’s a decades-old right-wing fabrication. The more curious line is the Churchill quote. It’s almost certainly fake, too; it does not appear in the LexisNexis database or in Google. Unless Somers has done original archival work on Churchill, she seems to have fabricated that quote on her own, or possibly received it via chain e-mail.
But the more interesting question is what does Somers think it means? Does she believe Churchill was warning the world of the dangers of a national health-care system? If so, that’s weird, because he strongly favored such a system
See? Chrissy from Three’s Company will look you straight in the eye and lie, lie, lie. Don’t be fooled by her expertise in old person sex or poetry or toned thighs. She is not a doctor and did not play one on teevee and you should not listen to her.
UPDATE: Because if you DO listen to Chrissy from Three’s Company and are dumb enough to let her publish her Churchill fanfic on your website, you have to walk that shit back HARD after everyone on the internet makes fun of her:
An earlier version of this post contained a quotation attributed to Lenin (“Socialized medicine is the keystone to the arch of the socialist state”) that has been widely disputed. And it included a quotation attributed to Churchill (“Control your citizens’ health care and you control your citizens“) that the Journal has been unable to confirm.
Also, the cover of a Maclean’s magazine issue in 2008 showed a picture of a dog on an examining table with the headline “Your Dog Can Get Better Health Care Than You.” An earlier version of this post incorrectly said the photo showed and headline referred to a horse.
Why the hell didn’t we screenshot the original? Someone must have screenshotted? screenshat? the original, right? Help us out here, people. Also, too, we’re not sure if it is delightful or terrifying to learn that the Wall Street Journal doesn’t even run its celebutante writer columns through the Google before turning them loose on the internet. Either way, seems like if we want to cut over to mainstream conservojournaling, it won’t be that hard a gig, since we can just literally make it up as we go along.