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All We Want For Christmas Is Everything

THIS BESPOKE FALCONRY SET SHOULD BE OURS SO THAT WE CAN GET OUR FALCONING ON IN STYLE

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You probably won’t be surprised to learn that we are globe-trotting sophisticates, and in our travels around the world, we have become quite the little falconry experts, oh yes we have. But right now we’re having to keep our falcons in subpar accommodations and it is really time we find something more befitting our – and our falcons’ – luxurious tastes. That’s where you come in when you buy us this Bespoke Global Falconry Companion:

Gazing upon your portable case and matching custom trunk, you marvel at the 20-karat gold-plated perch, hand-carved stands, leather perch scale, and hand-sewn glove, anklet, and exotic-skin hoods by Ken Hooke, the world’s preeminent falconry hood maker. A day in the countryside has never been so luxuriously appointed! Next, the furniture: Chatwin chairs and a foldout table by Richard Wrightman, the foremost designer of bespoke campaign furniture (the King of Jordan is a client). You unfold the beautiful, handmade backgammon board from Alexandra Llewellyn, pour yourself a drink from one of the lead crystal decanters, and select the cigar you’ll enjoy, using your matching cigar cutter by David Linley. The birds are ready, and your gauntlet is in place. Time to hunt!

Think of how much happier our falcons will be when they stand on their gold-plated perch. We’ve got them on silver perches right now, and it is just so shabby. Don’t make our falcons feel second rate, people!

[If you'd started buying us things sooner, you wouldn't be facing having to be looking at such a big-ticket item on our Christmas list, but right now you're like one of those people who waited too long to buy off the wedding registry. Sorry!]

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  • el_donaldo

    Yes, you clearly do Christmas better than Dok.

    I would like one of these as well. And the pony plushies which I will use to train my fierce and merciless falcons.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    Does the fake blonde with the Photoshop-shaved limbs come with? No? Good. We wish her well.

  • AugustusCarp

    What’d I do to be consigned to comment hell? Probably the Amazon link. OK, let me try again linking to the original review (which I should have done in the first place, lazy bastard, …)

    Those less cosmopoltan than you may want to read T.H. White’s “The Goshawk” before venturing into falconry. (http://www.nybooks.com/books/imprints/classics/the-goshawk/)

    If this one disappears, I’ll know I’m banned for being terminally boring.

    • http://happynicetimepeople.com/ Lisa Needham

      no banning for falconry or boredom – just me lazily not getting to evening comment approval yet!

  • dshwa

    Gold perches? With those claws? Way too soft. Won’t last a week.

  • docterry6973

    I won’t but it unless that rug was woven by eight-year old girls and washed in their tears.

  • rebecca

    You mean THIS Residents Ultimate Box Set? http://happynicetimepeople.com/100k-residents-ultimate-box-set/

  • Obot 50549535

    The twinkie baker is looking better now.