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Go Away. I'm Batin'.

LADIES, YOUR ENDLESS PAWING AT YOUR GENITALS ISN’T WINNING YOU ANY FRIENDS IN HEAVEN

Hey ladies! How’s it hanging? And by “it,” I mean your engorged clitoris, which you are currently diddling because of Satan and lust and sadness and idolatry and the “void” that is your ginny. Let’s all get out our hand mirrors and hold them up to inspect … OUR SOULS!

The “her.meneutics” (get it? good …

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Speak Ill of the Dead

GABRIEL GARCIA MARQUEZ LOVED FIDEL CASTRO, TIME TO BURN ALL YOUR COPIES OF ‘SOLITUDE’

OK, sure, you may have thought that Gabriel García Márquez, who died last week, was a pretty good writer, but the Washington Post’s Charles Lane just wants to remind you that García Márquez was also a communist, and entirely too close to Fidel Castro to actually count as someone worth remembering. Lane, the genius who …

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Hush Hush

SEXTORTING BILLIONAIRES WILL PROBABLY NOT MAKE YOU RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS, WILL GET YOU FBI VISIT

So you got your girlfriend to let you take nekkid pictures of her, of course. So far so normal. But if you are Douglas Tarlow, whose nekkid pix were of Nina Khosla, daughter of Vinod Khosla, batrillionaire founder of Sun Microsystems, you apparently stash those pix away for later sextortion attempts.

Big mistake. Big. Huge.…

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Clipbait

JON STEWART LITERALLY EVISCERATES SEAN HANNITY, WITH LITERAL VISCERA EVERYWHERE (VIDEO)

Jon Stewart clearly had entirely too much fun Tuesday replying to Sean Hannity’s pissy little tirade about Jon Stewart’s coverage of Hannity’s hypocritical coverage of the Bundy Ranch Freedom Cow Jamboree. Round three of the volley was just about everything you could want from a Daily Show segment. And just to be clear, Stewart is …

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Jeer & Loathing

MORNING SIDEBOOB: KATY PERRY WILL DRESS LIKE A CLOWN TO TERRIFY YOUR CHILDREN

Why Only 20?

People magazine has released its annual list of the Most Beautiful People in which Lupita Nyong’o was rightfully crowned most beautiful of all and Pink showed off some impressive sideboob.

But we’re more interested in Star magazine’s recent calculations. The votes are in, and here are the 20 most hated celebrities.

1. …

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things white people eat

VAGUELY LIBERAL CRAPSITE ‘UPWORTHY’ THINKS YOU ARE HURTING THE POOR IF YOU’RE WHITE AND EAT KALE

Here is the stupidest fucking thing I have seen today: vaguely liberal inspirational do-gooder site Upworthy.com thinks you are hurting the poor when you buy kale. To convince you of this, it has jacked all the illustrations (but not the even stupider commentary) from a month-old post at Bitch.

Let’s discuss Bitch, because they should …

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Media Circus

SEAN HANNITY DOES NOT CARE FOR JON STEWART’S UNSEEMLY CRITICISM OF SEAN HANNITY

Professional Conservative Victim Sean Hannity shared his tears with the nation Tuesday night, carefully debunking Jon Stewart’s satirical commentary on Hannity’s coverage of the Great Cow Freedom Movement. You see, Jon Stewart is a “hack comedian” who is among the “chief apologists for the Obama administration.” In a prolonged rant and panel discussion that lasts …

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Now That's What I Call Rape Culture

THIS WEEK IN HILARIOUS ADORABLE FUNTIME RAPE (TRIGGER WARNING)

I kind of feel like we shouldn’t really need a trigger warning in the headline up there, considering the word “rape” is already in it. But since we’re not going to add a trigger warning every time we post a picture of a “thin-bodied” person (tw #thinbodied tw), or start asking people what pronouns they’d …

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Test Kitchen

HERE IS YOUR DAMN PORK CHOP RECIPE

Happy, when was the last time we sat down for a whole meal? It’s been too long – I’m making pan fried pork chops, smashed potatoes and a cooked salad. Come on over, I made sweet tea!

I set up plates on the dining room table in the kitchen, next to the window. That window …

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But The Plane Will Be With Us Forever

AGENTS OF SHIELD RECAP: PATTON OSWALT, WE HARDLY KNEW YOU

It’s been a grim couple weeks for our Agents of SHIELD, what with the whole SHIELD being destroyed and John Garrett and Grant Ward being the root of all evil. Let’s see what’s up with these crazy kids this week.

Weird Terminator type fellow just comes up and demands a ride from a stranger in …

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Clipbait

JON STEWART HAS FEELINGS ABOUT LADY POLITICIANS AND THEIR HYSTERICAL EMOTIONS (VIDEO)

Jon Stewart gets at the very important issue of sexism in politics with “breaking news from the inside of another human being” — that is, Chelsea Clinton’s Politically Meaningful Baby, the grandchild that could make all the difference for Hillary Clinton’s possible campaign, or be completely meaningless — except to Darrell Issa, who “has already …

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Hitler Funtimes Yay!

HAPPY WONKER BOOK CLUB: UNCLE SAM’S FIRST NAZIS

One reason America’s never come to grips with its racist-nationalist past is Americans are pointedly encouraged not to know a nationalist racist when they see one. One can scarcely write the word ‘Nazi’ online without angry writs from comments-section Godwin’s lawyers demanding all electronic conversation cease forthwith. Worse, even talking about an American fascism is …

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there's no stopping them

GOOGLE WILL SOON RULE THE EARTH WITH DRONES AND ROBOTS, PROBABLY

Google’s mysterious barges turned out to be promotional party boats, their flu predicting algorithm was kinda bad at actually predicting flu patterns,  and Google Glass may be a novelty for douchebags. From these vignettes you may assume that Google’s not quite the world dominating force that works like Dave Egger’s The Circle may suggest.  …

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Bonus Clipbait

THANK GOD STEPHEN COLBERT CAME BACK FROM VACATION IN TIME TO TALK ABOUT HILLARY SCHEDULING CHELSEA’S BABY

We breathed a sigh of relief when Jon Stewart returned from vacation to finally finally finally give the Bundy Ranch nonsense the tongue-lashing it deserved, and we’re equally grateful that Stephen Colbert has finally returned to deal with the confoundingly stupid idea that Hillary planned both Chelsea’s pregnancy and ShoeGate to somehow coincide with her …

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